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Relationship issues Started by Taryn at 18-08-2008 6:26 PM. Topic has 5 replies. Single Mum Surv... » Single Mum Surv... » Help & Advice » Relationship issues

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18-08-2008, 6:26 PM Taryn Joined on 18-08-2008 Posts 4 Relationship issues I'm 7months pregnant, it wasn't a planned pregnancy. I'm the mixture of anxious and excitement about the baby, but I need some advice on his father. I've been with him for 6 years and we live together. He's insensitive and at most makes the situation more stressful for me. At first he spent his free time with his friends, disappearing for days. He's a computer gamer and now makes that his priority. He's the type of guy who sleeps while your shivering in your own sweat having the "normal" chronic pains.  He simply doesn't take care of me, and often has shouting swearing episodes. Although I don't think he'll be a totally lapsed father, he hasn't thought of any names for the baby, doesn't care about which surname he'll have and hasn't bothered to learn how to drive. From reading other forum entries I sound spoilt, but is that pretty much as good as men get? I have to deal with the depression and pains by myself and don't want him around me anymore, although I have a lot of pressure on me to make it work. I have tried different "communication" approaches but get nothing but false promises from him. I'm wondering how other woman deal with... I can't think of any other term but "useless" fathers?  At what point do we throw in the towel? Other than loads of chocolate, I crave a real connection with someone who's my partner, someone to help me, not another child I have to bring up. Mentally and physically this whole pregnancy has been rough, I want a man who loves me but I know it's part my responsibility to make it work with the father, nothing has worked so far, or even come close. I now just resent him, can't believe anything from him and I'm afraid when my sons' born and I'm recovered I'm running off to the dating scene and not going to look back. How do you deal with useless men and avoid the inevitable false promises?    Report

20-08-2008, 8:12 AM Jay Joined on 20-09-2005 Posts 107 Re: Relationship issues Big hug. Here's the thing, women have always been the ones to bring up children and look after them. The concept of the modern father who's actually involved is only about 50 years old. Which leaves alot of this generation of fathers still having to learn how to do it most of them didn't have a father that was involved. That apart, have you asked yourself how much of this is pregnant emotions? was the relationship like this before the pregnancy? is he jealous of the baby (it does seem to be quite common)?is it worth packing him off to live with a mate/parents for a month and see how you do? (you can tell him its due to stress, it would be better for the baby) What ever you decide to do don't shut the door before baby arrives, they have a way of changing everything. Take care J    Report

20-08-2008, 3:34 PM Taryn Joined on 18-08-2008 Posts 4 Re: Relationship issues Yah, he was like this before the pregnancy, long before. I am actually moving out end of this month to stay at my dads house (last month of preg) to avoid unnecessary stresses.   I know his indifference isn't a manifestation of my hormones, I'm going through a happy hormone blimp at the moment ^^   People have told me that when baby does come the guy will change, but... um... that just says men need rewards or some other K9 pat on the back before doing what's expected of them? Its admitting that there's nothing psychologically wrong with them, that they really just being lazy and selfish.   I'm just not that desperate to settle for dog training. As bias as I am, a woman just cant be so hugely better than men. I had a mother who rejected me from the get go but I'm not using it as an excuse to be apathetic myself, nor could I drop enough IQ points to do so.   Besides, before the industrial revolution men and woman worked the fields together, there was no "mum doing it alone" And babies have the instinct to bond with over 14 personalities because our genetics (the slugs, snails and puppy dog tails of what he is) is designed around sharing and caring, not having a sole caregiver.    Report

21-08-2008, 12:16 PM Jay Joined on 20-09-2005 Posts 107 Re: Relationship issues I wouldn't put it down to needing dog training, more like its not real to them. I don't know about you but when I found out I was pregnant it took me until my first scan to sink in, men seem to take until the baby arrives before its real. I am also not saying he will change just don't shut the door until then. You don't need the hassle, right now you just need to concerntrate on you and your baby. As you say he was like this before and your happy you've thought it through. It sounds like your doing the right thing for you. I think you miss understood what I was trying to stay. Was not women are better then men, not in the slightest only that men have not had the role models there in a lot of cases, they are having to work it out for themselves. If your partner was one of these luckly ppl that had a dad that was involved changed nappies etc a real modern man he's got no excuse but if his dad was always at work and didn't, then maybe its something he's not use to as a concept and has a steep learning curve to climb. Men and women are as good as each other but in different ways, the only thing men really have over women is they are normally more confident, its women that don't seem to know there inner strength exists until something like having to bring up your child on your own happens.    Report

26-08-2008, 8:34 PM bridgetjones Joined on 26-08-2008 Posts 2 Re: Relationship issues Maybe he's just terrified of the whole responsibility thing. What's he getting out of the relationship? I also think that if you're looking for someone to "take care of you" you are quite likely to be disappointed on a fairly regular basis. I think (in my experience) men often feel pressured by "needy" women. In many societies it is the women who do ALL of the "taking care" - did you see that recent tv series "Tribal Wives"? It was an eye opener. A few appreciative gestures are always nice in a relationship but the best person to take care of you is you. You talk about wanting someone to help you and love you. If you take care of yourself, look after yourself and love yourself you might feel less resentful and a bit easier to be around. At the risk of generalising men are often pretty emotionally stunted! Faced with the prospect of an unplanned baby and a hormonal partner who wants to be taken care of but regards him as useless, he does what loads of men do - avoids! It sounds like he makes promises to placate you but do you listen to what he wants too?    Report

26-08-2008, 9:24 PM Taryn Joined on 18-08-2008 Posts 4 Re: Relationship issues mm, what he's getting out of the relationship.. well I guess, until recently I have been a great girlfriend ^^ I keep his confidence up, make sure he doesn't overstress, I listen to his needs, give him confidence in his goals and I'm great in the bedroom too ^^.   He's not more terrified than I am about the responsibilities, as he's been wanting to get married and have kids for a while, but I was the one the object o.O   I would like to have seen that TV series :P I know what you mean about "needy" but I'm not one of those girlfriends who keep their men in the house, he goes out with his friends and I couldn't imagine not going out with mine. What I was thinking of when I said that was, when I'm in chronic pain, sweating and shaking on the bathroom floor, he just sleeps through it o.O He also hasn't bothered to learn how to drive, even though I've organised people to teach him. I'm just a bit nervous of driving as I get sudden horrific pains and have to pull over a lot. I don't need someone doting on me constantly, just when I really do need help.   I have been taking care of myself, me myself and I go for walks, organise lunch with girlfriends to de-stress and am busy organising my financial future. I don't just love myself, I totally adore myself ^^   I have asked him what he wants, but he's convinced everything's fine and doesn't want to change anything o.O but that's because what he gets is dam fine, but it's not what I receive :(    Report

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