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Re: feeling down Started by blueoracle72 at 16-05-2005 6:59 PM. Topic has 11 replies. Single Mum Surv... » Single Mum Surv... » Other » Re: feeling down

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16-05-2005, 6:59 PM blueoracle72 Joined on 16-05-2005 Posts 1 feeling down Hi I'm a single mum of two girls, 8 and 3 years. Right now I'm struggling. It's been 2 1/2 years since splitting with my ex (father of my youngest). We split because I couldn't take being controlled, put down, and the general mental cruelty I was recieving. Since the relationship ended, it has been a true roller coaster of emotions. One minute not being able to cope, in tears all the time etc. The next feeling glad I am a single mum. What I have realised is, even though we weren't married. The emotions and turmoils of life are pretty much the same as if married/divorced. It's as if I've gone through stages/phases. I always knew there would come a time when either of us would meet someone, fall in love etc etc. I really thought I would be strong enough to deal with it this time. However on Friday evening my ex0partner sent me an instant message by mistake (questionable mind). saying how in love he was with the lovely lady. Then A huge wave of not being able to breathe, tears, feeling choked up etc, came over me. I sent him a message back saying how insensitive that was. Now although he apologised, it didn't stop me feeling like **** frankly. The children were staying with their dads at this weekend luckily. But I found I had to go for a long walk(fast). Late at night crying my heart out. I still don't feel right now. i feel sad, low, unloved, disrespected and basicly worthless. I work so hard trying to be a good mum. Getting up when they wake in the night. doing the homework, putting themn to bed. be there for them when they are poorly etc .   But I feel so bloomin lonely. I know I'm not ready for a relationship myself yet, because being honest I'm still trying to deal with myself and the children, before I can give to someone else. Yet when I do all the hardwork, and he is going on holidays, socialising, buying lovely gifts etc for his new lady. It really gets to me. It seems so unfair. I only have one friend I can talk to, but she works and has a family of her own. My family are few and we can't see eachother often. So it's like the whole world is going on around me, but I'm not involved in it. I'm sorry to go on, but I feel it's important to let others to know they are not alone, and that it is ok to feel like this sometimes.  take care x                  Report

22-05-2005, 6:35 PM Supermum Joined on 22-05-2005 Posts 6 Re: feeling down Hello I really related to your message.  When I was first on my own I expected to have my life sorted in 6 months.  I was going to put it all behind my and move on - how wrong could I be!  Well-intentioned people, who really supported me, especially in the early days, expected me to be OK once I had sorted out all the practical things like moving house, sorting out legal and financial matters - but it's not that simple is it?  In the soaps single mums get over their exs in a few episodes and find a new man.  If only real life was like this. The good news (yes ithere is good news) is that things do get better, not immediately, not quickly but they do.  The way you are feeling is normal - don't beat yourself up!  You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel emotional.  OK so your partner might have found someone new - I pity her personally.  A leopard doesn't change its spots, so your ex will soon be controlling her and putting her down too once the rosy glow has worn off (and believe me it will).  He may well be playing games and there is is no one really, in which case doesn't this prove how right you were to dump him. By the way, you are not unloved, a bet your girls love you to bits and that is worth a lot.  You never had respect from your ex anyway by the sounds of it, so you haven't lost anything there either.  You are definitely not worthless, being a mum is one of the most important jobs.  You may feel sad at the moment but this won't last, I promise.  I cried myself to sleep for ages but things did get better, actually a whole lot better. Rather than concentrating on what your ex is up to, or probably not up to, why not plan your future.  You've done the worst bit, now you are free, what do you really want?  You may not be ready for a new relationship yet but joining a local group of singles will give you a new social circle, different things to think about, or an evening class or anything that gets you meeting other people.  What about a job?  More money and a better lifestyle might lift your spirits.  Don't be scared to tell other mums at the school or nursery gate how you are feeling, there must be others in similar situations, invite them round for coffee, build a support network.  Your ex is useful for one thing - free babysitting - so take advantage of this.  It must seem impossible to you now, but take it one small step at a time.  Be a good role model to those girls of yours, make them proud, you can do it! Good luck!    Report

03-06-2005, 4:17 PM HalloweenBaby Joined on 03-06-2005 london Posts 1 Re: feeling down Hi!   If ever you need someone to talk to or a friend whos been there too contact me, I'm a single mum of 1 and 'daddy' doesnt want to know and he hasnt even bothered, doesnt have ajob to pay for CSA and wont get one and well, in my view he has not got any rights anymore as he has forfeited them by his choice. pm me if you need to let it all out of your system!   take care x        Report

24-06-2005, 3:32 PM carnifex Joined on 24-06-2005 Posts 2 Re: feeling down I know just how you feel. Until recently I was the only person in my group of friends with a child, even though they thought they were doing the right thing the social events they invited me to i couldn't attend as they didn't really understand the difficulties involved with childcare in the evenings or the fact that at the time i had a 6 month old daughter that would need to be looked after in the morning.  I worry about my daughter growing up without a father figure but at the same time i don't feel ready to take anyone into my life or hers, I had a one year relationship after i broke up with my partner that thankfully she was too young to really remember but i don't want to raise her with men  coming and going in and out of her life.     Report

30-06-2005, 10:32 AM betteroff Joined on 30-06-2005 Posts 1 Re: feeling down Hi there, I understand very much how you feel although I'm still in the throws of splitting up with my partner.  I find him controlling too and he's v rude to me at the moment.  Even though we haven't been 'together' properly for months I couldn't bear it if he met someone else and I too get those feelings of panic that you describe (practically every morning).  My little boy is 1.5 years old. I keep humiliating myself (no self respect) asking him for cuddles (he often makes me say please before he will) even though he says he doesn't love me etc.  I feel very alone - I do have a good friend nearby but like your friend she has her own family.  I feel like such a failure - all my friends are in solid relationships and I'm about to go out into the 'wildnerness' again. It sounds like you need some love and affection, I know I do.  Sometimes I thank God I have my little boy because atleast he can give me love.  Be thankful that you're not alone - there are women out there who wait for years with a partner to have children who then dump them when they're past child bearing age.  There are children in places like Romania that have never been held (a friend of mine has witnessed the orphanages first hand and it sure puts things into perspective). As for your ex - he knows what he's doing to you.  Don't think he's let go - he's still trying to control you emotionally by rubbing your nose in it.  But you're the winner because you get to share your children's lives every day. You are very worthwhile and you will be happy (but you have to believe it before it can happen). I'll say a prayer for you (and me!)          Report

10-07-2005, 9:22 PM molly Joined on 10-07-2005 Posts 1 Re: feeling down i've just discovered that my partner has been cheating on me , we have an eleven week old baby and this has been going on for the past 5 weeks . it's not the first time and maybe i should have finished it the last time , but he kept trying to persuade me to change my mind and eventually i did , and he has done it again . i don't understand how someone can be so heartless , he says he loves me but he just wants the best of both worlds . he is in the army and so is posted away a lot. i feel so stupid for taking him back , don't get me wrong i have a beautiful little girl , she is the best thing to come out of this relationship.                this morning i discovered the truth , i had been suspicious for a while and he says i pushed him to do it  because i kept asking if there was anyone else. part of me wants him to come home and hold me and tell me he loves me , but i know that is pathetic but i feel so alone and isolated and i'm really scared of the future . we aren't married thankfully , its going to be hard to have him see our daughter , i know its the fair thing to do , i don't feel like being fair at the moment . he has 2 children from a previous marriage who he doesn't see and i'm scared that he'll do the same to our daughter in the future . its all such a mess , i just hope i can keep strong and go my own way , but the thought of being alone is frightening and i don't know if i'll back down .         if anyone has any advice please share it,i feel so alone , my little girl is sleeping and i can't stop crying ,       thanks for listening , molly    Report

11-07-2005, 6:01 PM Supermum Joined on 22-05-2005 Posts 6 Re: feeling down Dear Molly You are not on your own - there are lots of us in the same boat sadly!  My husband left me when my son was only a few months old - it's hard isn't it!  You deserve someone better.  There is no way you could have 'pushed him to do it' - what a pathetic excuse!  Put all your energy into your little girl - she needs you so much - try to keep things normal for her - you are really strong saying you want him to see your daughter but you are doing the right thing and when she is grown up you will be able to tell her so.  A leopard doesn't change its spots, he has already left one family, so don't expect too much of him or be disappointed - afterall he was a failure as a partner and probably will be as a dad.  You are doing your bit - letting him have access- the rest is up to you unfortunately but it will be worth it in the end.  Your daughter will grow up being really close to you.  You will be amazed how well you will do a single parent - being alone is better than being with a bully and cheat - you need to be free so you can meet Mr Right when he comes along and he will, maybe not yet, but he will, so start putting your life back together, starting tomorrow, in small baby steps, one day at a time.  Come back here anytime and have a moan, we all know how you feel.  Have a good cry but be happy around your litle girl, she deserves the best of you.  Luckily you aren't married, one blessing I suppose.  Oh I know it all sounds so simple and I know it isn't but you'll be ok. Take care, we're all behind you!    Report

20-07-2005, 4:47 PM Stotty Joined on 20-07-2005 Posts 2 Re: feeling down Molly Our experiences are so similar you won't believe it!  I have (2 weeks ago) found out that my husband has again for the 3rd time (that I know of) cheated.  We have a 5 month old (I had her early due to the stress he put on me due to previous cheating) We have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years.  He is always so sorry and tells me how he'll change and get help - he's in the army!!  like everyone my emotions are all over the place!!  When I'm tired I think I can forgive him - at this moment in time I feel so angry (you be able to tell).  Being a single mum by my mid twenties was not where I saw myself being but this is where I am and I'm going survive!  I am terrified about being alone, having to return back to my parents home - but today I realised that that is not a reason to stay.  I have to be a strong person for my daughter.  You are not to blame for his actions.  You deserve someone who will love and care for you.  Take care of yourself and enjoy every moment of your beauiful angel. Rhi x      Report

21-07-2005, 7:11 PM myangels Joined on 20-07-2005 wales Posts 2 Re: feeling down You're not alone hun, there are thousands of others just like you.  I've been there and done it and come out the other end, so there is hope for anyone!! Have you thought about joining a group/college course so that you get to network with different people? You have to have some time for yourself even if its five minutes to be with another adult.  Take pleasure in the things you never used to do, like read a good book uninterrupted, cook yourself a nice meal for when the kids go to bed, switch on a really funny dvd and have a bottle of wine handy too.  You'll start to enjoy your own company just as much as you do others in time. As for meeting someone else, take it day by day.  Its inevitable that we move on and find new people but i know that doesnt stop the hurt.  You two werent right for eachother and its time for you to move onward and upward with your life now, dont give his any consideration anymore.  As long as you and the kids are ok, then you wont go far wrong hun xx Lxx    Report

20-09-2005, 12:39 PM Jay Joined on 20-09-2005 Posts 106 Re: feeling down Aww ladies there is so much good advise here, that shows just how big your hearts are. Molly darling, your little bundle of love is only 11 weeks old and your body wont have recovered yet, you will still have your emotions all over the shot for at least a few more months. So tried to concentrate of your little one, try and take pleasure in the little things (5 minutes to wash your hair etc). Accept hugs when they are offered (and believe me if we were face to face right now I'd give you such a big hug). I've been on my own since I found out I was pregnant (the details of which would make a good plot for Eastenders), but being on my own has been advantage.   Chin up think positive, you have lots of people here for you if you need them. BIG HUG X    Report

18-04-2006, 4:53 PM Julie Joined on 12-04-2006 Posts 4 Re: feeling down Hi you! I am feeling the same dont worry.  I posted some positive messages a few days ago but now going through a pretty low point.  Its a long story which as usual involves feeling totally let down by someone I thought alot of and feeling desperately lonely.Friends and family are on the end of the phone but its not the same.  Its hard sometimes to just get through the day and all I want is some nice company and be happy.    Oh I sound such a misery guts but have had a really bad weekend.   Anyway just to let you know you are nt alone, my kids are the same age as yours and I love them to bits, but I want someone to be there for me too.   Keep smiling the sun will shine on us non stop one day!! let me know when it happens! xx    Report

30-04-2007, 11:15 PM louise_madison Joined on 30-04-2007 Posts 1 Re: feeling down hi i noticed your message on here and i could really do with some one to tlk too my little girl is only 18 mnths oild and he just walkewd out on us am only 2o and feel i have no one i could tlk to for advice ???? thanks louise    Report

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